Grief Comes to Visit

My girls are on their way to Charlotte for a dance competition. David's two remaining children are either spending the night with friends or relatives so I invited him over for an impromptu bachelors night here at the house. There's just no way I'm going to allow him to sit around in his own empty home this evening.

David has graciously given me permission to reveal a great deal about Jessie's death here on the blog. He did the same just before the memorial service for Perry Duggar, the pastor of his church and one of the two ministers who spoke Wednesday. This grieving father knew how many young folks would attend the service. He also knows how many parents read this blog.

I wish I could recall verbatim what Perry said that day. His words weren't so eloquent that they would be lost upon the ears of so many young folks beginning their journey toward adulthood. On the contrary the lesson to be learned was made so very clear and precise that for just a few moments the quiet sobs and sounds of weeping ceased. There is no doubt that some of those ears heard but the admonition is already forgotten. But there were other ears that heard and the plea went straight to the heart. David will probably never know when it happens but one life - maybe many - was saved on March 25, 2009 for allowing the Truth to be told.

Another blessing that was revealed at least to some folks this week is that David truly has found his soul mate. Joan and I were privileged to be the first told that he had become engaged last summer to an old college friend. His fiance' Lis was a steadfast support and comfort for him all week. In fact she was the brave one who finally put David's ex in her place after she made the entire first 48 hours miserable for any and every one supporting Dave. Unfortuantely for the two of them she is currently living in Chapel Hill, North Carolina finishing up a masters degree in nursing management and had to return yesterday.

As you can see this is not the end of the story but the beginning of a new chapter for my friend. I will continue blogging about David, Lis, and Jessie when the time is appropriate. For now, including this evening, it is time for the healing to begin. There is a police investigation happening even as I type this and I certainly do not want this crime to be unpunished by revealing something I shouldn't. I just know for a fact that one day soon David will at least have the satisfaction of knowing that whoever is responsible for his child's death will be locked away for a long time.

The picture is Jessie's senior yearbook photo taken about this time last year.

18 and Life

"18 and life you got it
18 and life you know
Your crime is time and it's
18 and life to go..."
Lyrics by Skid Row

About a week ago Jessie inquired about moving back in with her dad. "Sure," he said, "but you have to follow my rules. That means curfew at 11:30." She didn't accept. Instead she remained living with her mom.

All of David's friends knew this was an unhealthy situation but what could he do? After all she was 18 and could make "adult choices" for herself. Those most recent choices included a DUI, losing her driving privilege, and then shortly followed by getting caught late one night driving without a license. Her boyfriend at the time was sitting in the passenger seat with enough pot that he's still in jail. Easy to make a judgment about Jessie one would think. Well you'd be wrong. All she was doing was following the example of her mother.

About four years ago Jessie's mom and partner of David's for over twenty years abandoned her family for the lure of cocaine. This former PTA parent, soccer mom, and Sunday School teacher would disappear sometimes for weeks at a time. She would finally return home long enough to convince David she'd seek help only to disappear once again having raided the family checking account. David ignored his friend's pleas to kick this woman to the curb. He continued to hold out hope. He'd shared more than half his life with this woman. She had given him three beautiful kids. Plus they were a good Southern Baptist couple and by God, David was going to give her every possible chance he could...because in his words, "He knew her."

Not just because of my friend's awful journey but from many others we are unfortunately aware of, the fact of the matter is that after living, loving, breathing, birthing, praying, and parenting with someone for two decades you still may not really know that person. It wasn't the constant counsel of friends that ended their marriage. Neither was it the web of lies woven like a tapestry straight out of Pandora's box. And it even wasn't after her DUI arrest in a neighboring state where she was found driving another man who happened to have a significant amount of illegal drugs. David had finally had enough after he hired a private investigator to find proof of how she was obtaining drugs even with all her financial resources exhausted. And he did.

The investigation is still ongoing and many of the facts are still hidden amongst the whispers and MySpace pages of teenagers but this is what we know. Jessie attended a party Saturday night with her new boyfriend in a neighborhood not far from her former home. Alcohol and the drug Oxycontin were readily available to those in attendance. Sometime around 1:30 Sunday morning Jessie left to spend the night with her 20-year-old boyfriend who still lives with his parents. It is unknown at the moment if any parents were at either location.

At 10:30 Sunday morning Jessie could not be awakened. An ambulance was called to the scene and police arrived as well. The paramedics immediately began CPR and at some point she received a tracheotomy. She was pronounced dead at 11:58 AM March 22, 2009.

Around 12:15 that afternoon my friend was working in his garage when two sheriff deputies pulled up to the house. As David walked out to greet them his first thought was, "What has Jessie done now?"

And now it's 18 and life.

There will be a memorial service at 4:00 this afternoon (EDT). Please remember David, his two surviving children, his extended family, and his many many friends who gather to say farewell to his eldest child.

Per the excellent request from the comments...
Memorials may be made to Brushy Creek Baptist Church 4999 Old Spartanburg Rd., Taylors, SC 29687 "Freeland Brazil Mission."

A Parent Should Not Outlive Their Child.

These words were whispered into my friend’s ear yesterday afternoon. About an hour earlier I had received a phone call, a similar call to the one David had gotten a few hours before that. The call every parent fears – an event we don’t even dare envision much less prepare for.

Although I am fortunate to have many friends, there are just a handful I label “best.” Of those few and excluding Joan there are two that I consider the closest of my confidants. In fact only the closest of my family members have known me longer. Ironically (if you are familiar with the Bible or the Torah) their names are Jonathan and David.

Even more ironic is that both of their fathers were Southern Baptist preachers. David’s dad baptized me when I was 11. Several years later Jonathan’s officiated over my first wedding. If you don’t consider those friendships along the lines of blood brothers then surely you have not sung “There’s Power in the Blood” in a cramped southern church on some steaming hot Sunday morning in July.

I know these two men almost as much as I do my own brothers. We have laughed together, loved together, fought together (and I might add each other). Their families are my family and mine theirs. Without sounding morose I also know without a shadow of a doubt that should I leave this Earth before them their collective hands will be four of the last that touch my casket before I am placed into the ground.

I know their hopes, their dreams, their strengths and weaknesses, their positives and negatives. We climbed literal mountains together and camped in some of the darkest most frightening valleys a man could encounter. Inevitably that means we have shared tears together – some joyful and now…some filled with such sorrow that one would eagerly embrace death as an alternative to the endless salty drizzle that falls from one’s cheek.

Over the most recent years David in particular has taught me that exceptional parenting does not corner the market when it comes to suffering and tragedy. I have begun blog posts about his plight many times over the past three years only to decide that then was not a good time or that other circumstances within in our own journey took precedence. Actually I have written about him on several occasions – all of which are reminders to me what a very special father he is. I hear all kinds of accolades about my parenting skills because of Ben. All I do is shake my head and think about Dave.

Although tragedy comes in many different variations it has one common denominator. It is not unlike a bunch of electrically charged ions floating around in the upper atmosphere lining up in such a way that they strike the ground with such speed and power that the landscape is permanently changed. Why it happened, how it happened, even what happened are questions that first come to mind. When those are not easily answered we survey the changed landscape and face more difficult questions like how do we move on or can we move on or…do I even want to move on.

Over the next few days I will be examining this most recent tragedy to occur within my inner circle of friends. I will look over these questions and search for answers. So far in the beginnings of this examination I have found a reason to finally reveal how David became a single father in his mid-40s due to his ex-wife’s drug addictions. And this “test” will take place as I help my friend, my blood brother, my family, and myself say goodbye to his oldest child, his 18-year-old daughter Jessie from a most likely alcohol & drug overdose.

SoulShiner's "Open Air" Studio!

You read that perfectly. I'll be setting up our booth in the front yard of our home! Instead of heading to Savannah this weekend I've chosen to take a huge chance on the local art lovers here in the Greenville, South Carolina area.

I will be offering BIG discounts on all paintings and prints including the ones created by Ben and me. Also my mom will be on hand to introduce all of those totes, handbags, jackets, and wearable art we've been furiously working on the past month or so.

We'll have a bunch of "recycled" shirts, jackets, and vests not yet decorated so we can discuss creating your own unique design...or bring us something you already have in your closet that you'd like to add some pizazz to. Our collective imaginations are the limit!

At the very least come by to meet the family. Although Jessie has a short dance rehearsal Saturday the entire family will be ready for a meet & greet by lunch time.

My plan is to open up shop around 10 AM on Saturday and remain open until 5 . Sunday we'll be available from about 1PM until 5. Weather permitting we will do the same thing again next weekend and once a month until autumn.

We are located at 1303 Pelham Road across from Brighton Gardens and about one block from Pelham Road Elementary School. Look for the big white tent with brightly colored paintings!

Please pass this along to your family and friends. We'd really appreciate a good turn out. Keep in mind that Easter and graduations are around the corner - we definitely have some gifts and ideas for both occasions.

Ben's Weekend

Truly it sucks to have the weekend come to its close. Given our stressful week and those that lay before us, the respite these last two days brought us has been a gift from heaven. My mom came over Saturday and spent almost the entire afternoon with us. Ben made it clear that he wants more time with his grandmother!

I wish I had filmed more but me and my mom were having a blast preparing for the coming art festival season. Ben sat beside us the entire afternoon and it was clear to us that the joy he has for life influenced our work. My hope is that we have many more weekends like this one.

This was filmed near the end of the day. Sorry for the drool but it is the cleanest you'd ever encounter. Also Ben began to focus on "something else" in the room near the end. We are now certain that it was the presence of my dad. Yeah, go ahead and be a skeptic. All of us (Ben's family) were witnesses at one time. Had you been there you also would've experienced the eeriness and comfort it brings at the same time.

2009 Art Shows & Festivals

Because of the economy I will be reducing the number of shows that require a great deal of travel expenses. In fact I'm finding that some of the annual events have been canceled this year (including my own home town's Art in the Park).

One fortunate thing that that is likely to occur is my participation in some local (Greenville, SC) weekend markets. I'm exploring those opportunities at the moment and will add those dates as soon as I know for certain when and where they will be.

All shows marked in red are confirmed. Dates marked with an asterisk are weekends Ben & the rest of the family plan on attending!

March 21 & 22: Open (Air) Studio! Our home in Greenville, SC! *

April 4 & 5: 16th Annual Spring Arts Festival (St. Simons Island, GA)

April 24 - 26: 4th Annual Fine Arts on the River (Savannah, GA)

May 1 - 3: 31st Annual Spring Fling Folk Art Festival (Spartanburg, SC)

May 9 & 10: 5th Annual Barefoot in the Park (Duluth/Atlanta, GA)

May 23 & 24: 33rd Annual Art in the Park (Blue Ridge, GA)

May 30 & 31: 51st Annual Sidewalk Art Show (Roanoke, VA)

June 26 - 28: Charleston Harbor Fest (Charleston, SC)

July 2 - 4: North Carolina 4th of July Festival (Southport, NC)

July 18 & 19: Fine Art & Master Crafts Festival (Banner Elk, NC)

July 25: International Festival Day (Waynesville, SC)

August 1 & 2: Arts in the Park (Virginia Beach, VA)

August 22 & 23: Fine Art & Master Crafts Festival (Banner Elk, NC)

September 5 & 6: Labor Day on the River (Savannah, GA)

September 11 & 12: 33rd Annual Aiken's Makin' (Aiken, SC)

September 19 & 20: West Greenville Arts Festival (Greenville, SC)

September 26 & 27: Duluth Fall Festival (Duluth, GA)

October 2 - 4: Art on Main (Hendersonville, NC)

October 10 & 11: Art in the Meadow (Anderson, SC) postponed until spring

October 17 & 18: 32nd Woolly Worm Festival (Banner Elk, NC) *

October 24 & 25: Bluffton Arts & Seafood Festival (Bluffton, SC)

November 7 & 8: Washington-Wilkes Arts Festival (Washington, GA)

December 5 & 6: Christmas on the River (Savannah, GA)

The Approaching Storm

I've received several e-mails and private messages from folks checking in on us. Evidently my blogging activity or more precisely, lack of it, has been quite noticeable. I sincerely do appreciate the concern many of you have shown by just saying hello or asking me to give a hug to Ben.

All the long time readers know I've never been short for words when we've dealt with difficult times as a family. And the blog community has always been so very gracious, understanding, and supportive when we've needed your positive karma. I would never be able to say enough thank yous to express our gratefulness to each and every one of you who visit here. Even when the proverbial wheels seem to be spinning off the Waddell family van we have drawn strength through your comments, your tweets, the Facebook messages, and even phone calls we received over the past few years.

Before I go any further let me say that Ben is absolutely fine. In fact I think for the first time all winter we're all fairly healthy at the moment. I would much rather be telling you about the incredible strides Ben is making these days. His therapies, his school, his nurses, and in particular the touch screen computer Moosh in Indy blessed him with have all contributed to our son's well-being. Indeed Ben is once again achieving some goals many thought would not be possible. And I promise that I will talk about those things very soon.

At the moment Joan and I are consumed with a different worry. Because one of our primary goals in blogging is educating typical families about issues non-typical ones face, I feel inclined to reveal more about our current situation than Joan wants me to at this time. Despite the drive and desire to change the "big picture" my family comes first. My wife is not just my partner in raising our two wonderful children. She is truly my soul mate. When she is more comfortable I will provide you with more information.

In my honest opinion what we are dealing with is not so uncommon these days and mainly that has to do with finances. We have spent much of our time in recent weeks number-crunching, debating, researching, and have even sought counsel. Let's just say that we are facing some pretty tough choices in the coming...days...not weeks or months. Days.

If you are so inclined please remember us in your prayers. Even if you are not so inclined do it for Ben. Our road has been difficult and we know it will continue to be the same. But some things you first consider a pothole turns out to not only be a ditch, but one filled with quicksand. I apologize for "whining." My heart though told me I should at least reveal a little about what's going on with us.

Hey everybody! We're over here today.

Our New Store is Now Open!

Thanks to the folks at 1000Markets.com for providing space for us to sell our artwork! All of us our truly excited to finally get this much needed space off the ground. To check out the latest of merchandise we have to offer all you need to do is click on the image of Ben's paint-speckled hand at the top left of the blog.

Since starting the blog we've experimented with several sites including E-Bay that used a bidding process to purchase items. While having some success with each of them none really fit what we truly wanted to create which was our very own store without starting an entirely new web site. This situation turned out perfect and definitely fits the budget!

Please take a look around at SoulShine Studio. I know we have very limited products listed at the moment but those should increase a great deal in the coming days and weeks. I'll be adding a greeting with pictures of me, Ben, and my mom working on artwork very soon. We'd also like to hear suggestions or ideas from our readers as well.

By the way, I will be doing my monthly blog post at Hopeful Parents tomorrow. Be sure to come back by to check that out. Have fun and colorful weekend!

Today's Blog Post is Brought to You by the Letter...

Some words that begin with the letter "F": flu, fever, falling, freezing, frozen, fatigue, Fahrenheit, February, fear, frustration, fish, and feline.

That could easily be the summary of the seven days that have passed since I last blogged. A week ago yesterday Jessie left for school with a fever. My hard-headed scholarly child was bound and determined to complete the standardized testing that will determine whether she moves forward to the seventh grade next year. Never mind that she could have made these tests up at a later date. By God she was NOT going to have these tests hanging over her pretty little head more than she had to. Truly I still wonder if this is my child. The Great Procrastinator would've gladly pushed them off until the middle of the seventh grade - better yet, sometime during senior year of high school.

Not one but two days did we send her off with a temperature of over 100. At 11:30 last Wednesday morning a nasal swab confirmed what we already thought: influenza type B. Very contagious according to our pediatrician who fully expected anyone we'd been in contact with the previous 48 years to suffer the same. Perfect! After nine years of religiously getting flu shots, the one year everyone but Ben doesn't get one, flu runs amok at Jessie's school.

After filling ("f" word) prescriptions for two does of Tamaflu I take Jessie home, put her to bed, and watch her sleep for the next 5 days. For some reason we were fortunate - fate (look, two more "f" words in a sentence) shone upon us and only yours truly caught the last train to Flu-ville.

If that wasn't enough to pepper our week with misery, Joan's busy season at work has peaked about a month earlier than usual. For lots of privacy issues I'm not allowed to discuss specifics but let's just say it has something to do with investments. Recall that the stimulus plan passed last week? Let me just also say Joan was quite possibly regretting her vote for a certain presidential candidate. And let me finally say about Joan's job that certain new financial regulations in that stimulus package which have to be implemented before April 15th might leave my wife seriously considering hari kari rather than showing up for work tomorrow. Honestly the alternative of laying in bed with a fever of 102 at times looked mighty inviting to my dear wife the past week or so.

And to top things off, as if pandering to the "f" word wasn't enough, consider the the four letter "S" word: snow. Oh yes, the long awaited month that marks the birth of spring has arrived! The awful cold dark wintry month of February is finally over! The shortest month that passes like an eternity has made way for the part of the calendar when we anticipate flowers ("f" word), fauna ("f' word) , and fair ("f" word) weather! How do we usher in this blessed month on its very first day? Six frigging (guess?) inches of frozen precipitation. Did I mention I've been in a bad mood? I won't even include how I tripped and fell (sigh) last night carrying Ben from one room to another.

So at the encouragement of my stay-at-home wives (Joan insists someone keep an eye on me), Lynne and Gretchen who live 8 and 12 hours away from me respectively, have made it clear I need to start blogging again. That of course means I have a great deal of reading ahead so that I can catch up on your lives as well.

One positive from all this is that I've finally gotten my sore behind in gear and spent some of my down time in the studio. Quite frankly (anyone used to this yet?) I'm really thrilled with the half-dozen paintings I've started. Hopefully I'll have some new things to share with you in the coming few days. In the mean time I hope all is well with you, please forgive (hrrumph!) my potty mouth, and know that I haven't forgotten (had to squeeze in one more) you.