Thursday, August 07, 2008

A Redneck Runs Through It

Or perhaps a better title would be A Redneck Steps in It? Against my better judgment but for the amusement of our readers (and that of my family) I'm about to reveal more of myself than ever before. I don't really know why I've chosen this day to make a complete fool of myself in front of God, the Blogosphere, You Tube, Canada, China and the rest of the digital universe but karma sometimes leads us into decisions that, for better or worse, have to be made.

Sort of like Obama or McCain, Whoopi or Elizabeth, Brett Favre or the Packers, Kobe or Shaq, Coke or Pepsi (seriously, why on Earth would Pepsi even fool with the third most perfect beverage in the world after beer and iced tea?), boxers or briefs, single-ply or double-ply. Decisions have to be made every few seconds of our life folks! Choices that have a domino effect around us.

So rather than risk one of you actually discovering what an idiot Ben & Jessie have for a dad I am choosing to reveal The Truth about myself. This recording was made the evening before the recent demise of our camera; the one that actually shoots footage like a camcorder. Call it "the smoking gun" video. Leaving this lying around somewhere is like Oral Roberts keeping a motel receipt in his pants pocket. It's gonna get out people! One way or another. And I'm not talking about what's inside Oral's pants pocket.

For the record my family is quite entertained by this behavior. It's sort of a daily occurrence really. And if you'll notice the glass of Lubricant to my right - let's just say things really start to fly when I get into The Lubricant. As Joan would say, "the key got turned and I'll be damned if I can't shut it off!"

In my defense there is a long tradition of southerners with the ability to tell wonderful tall tales. Mark Twain, Fanny Flag, and George W. Bush come to mind. True, I am a southerner...with the ability to enjoy fermented grapes.

So now would be a good time to go get those rain boots or galoshes. Better yet put on the fishing waiters if you got 'em cause it's about to get real deep.

9 comments:

Vance said...

Oh...my...God...

I love it! Well done Bennie.

The little dog will actually rip out your achillies tendon and dance around cats' hearts huh? That's a vicious little bugger.

we_be_toys said...

Oh my god, I laughed my head off! That there "redneck Chihuahua" doesn't SEEM like he would rip a cat's heart out and dance around it. Maybe he needs a little "Lubricant" to get him stoked up?
You, me, and a bottle of the aforementioned Lubricant - honey, at the least, the cops would come!

bennie said...

The chihuahuas actually do a little Mexican Hat Dance around the kitty corpses. Then they have their little BBQ and serve Feline Fajitas. It's true! I wouldn't lie to ya.

Gretchen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bennie said...

The deleted comment has me worried. I swear to God we checked Blaze's Green Card. He claimed to be a dog and he truly looks like one.

If you are Mexican and I offended you then please accept my apologies. I do know that most of you folks will do work that American workers will no longer perform. We are a lazy society.

I may have hit on a stereotype kind of thing. I do apologize for that. I only own two Mexicans at this time. One is canine and one makes our yard look something other than the Amazon.

I am thankful for that. He also makes great Margaritas and can dance like Blaze.

Sorry to hit a nerve.

Nurse Betty L. Boop said...

You guys had too much:
lubricant
time
drive space

And too little:
hmmmmmmmmmmmmm, lots of things!

Good thing we love you LOTS!

sheepincogniot said...

thanks for the laughs - loved it!
I especially dig your pronunciation of "redneck Tchiwawau"/ Great stuffs! If that little critter is as vicious as you make him to be, you better make your gardener stop sharing the margheritas so much with the dawg - he's probably just loopy all the time and is trying to hang on to your ankles 'cause the room is spinning... :o)

Nurse Betty L. Boop said...

Thought it might be time for a game of tag...your it! It's easy and fits right in with the theme of today's post. Stop by and check it out!

gwendomama said...

i don't care much for dogs, but you look kind of....juicy.
i mean, juiced.


heh.


was yins drinkin SHABleee??


(how's that? my first try)