Thursday, April 09, 2009

Blue on Black

Blind, oh, now I see
Truth, lies, and in between
Wrong, cant be undone
Oh slipped, from the tip of
Your tongue

Lyrics by Kenny Wayne Sheppard

Things are not going well for us this week. I agreed to let Joan's sister spend the week with us here at a family residence at a beach in southeastern South Carolina. All that has done is placed even more stress on me at least. I have finally excused myself to a local cafe to blog and clear the darkness that envelops every cell of my brain at the moment.

Joan and I laid awake in bed last night absolutely pissed off at each other. It doesn't matter that the explosive argument began over homemade salsa (or lack thereof). What matters is that the anger, frustration, emptiness, and grief that overwhelms us has not only bubbled over, it is hot boiling lava that flows from every word, thought, and deed between us.

When we return to Greenville we know we will begin the process of filing bankruptcy. Yes, the 900 pound gorilla in the room has finally been identified. It could very well be that we'll also be looking for a two-for-one deal from an attorney. "Can we get a deal if you handle our divorce as well?" I'm not joking.

If you read our post over at Hopeful Parents a few days ago we laid everything on the line for our readers. Maybe I should no longer allude to our problems - I'll spell it out. We have finally tapped out every single resource available to us. All of them: financial, emotional, even spiritual. The pain and humiliation of our situation has finally chipped away so effectively at our marriage that we have discussed (when we aren't battling) how we can seriously make things work apart from each other. We are in a sexless, loveless, lifeless relationship - the cupboard for all of those things is empty.

For so long we thought we could fight this together; at least we have each other. At the very least we have God. Nada. Why god chooses to ignore the pleas of some while fawning over the desires of others I will never figure out...nor forgive.

I've carried a banner of hope at this blog for several years now. It's time to lay it down and expose the part no one wants to see, the part no one wants to talk about. The 80 percent divorce rate. The number of exceptional families needing financial aid not getting it while "octomoms" get free nursing and a book deal. Ultimately the sky-rocketing suicide rate of caregivers who finally realize how far past empty they've gone.

As I type this we have exactly $160 to get us through the rest of the month (Joan filled up her van yesterday so my gas money to return home comes from that pot). Someone tell me how to stretch that out. And in regards to the loaves and fishes story? Tell Jesus to kiss my ass.

18 comments:

Brian said...

Oh hell, Bennie. I don't know what to say. I just don't.

Kyla said...

Oh Bennie. I'm so sorry. I wish I could say something to ease some of it.

Leightongirl said...

I'm so sorry. So very sorry.

Gretchen said...

Never.Give.Up.

You talk non-stop of your love for Joan and her being your soulmate...it will improve, it will.

Prayers. That's all I can offer you. Except a bed (couch?) if you want to run away for awhile. And an ear to listen. Call anytime.

I love you guys

AKSANA said...

Hey! I dont know what the welfare system in the USA but there should be some emergensy support. You could try and raise a bit money (organise a money raising party) and I am sure that local shop would agree to have collection boxes at their tills for you.

I am sorry if my suggestions sound silly but drastic times call for drastic measures.

Peter Tögel said...

Never give up. You two share something that should not be separated. While you have a challenging time, not giving up will make you stronger. Conni and I just had our 20th anniversary. It was and still is challenging at times. Where to go from here? Bankruptcy is not the end of a good life. Big companies do it all the time and they are still around. Just don't give up on your kids and your wife. Money can drive people nuts. But it should not drive you apart. Heads up! Smile - don't drink. I'll keep you all in prayers!

S said...

Benny, I am so sorry. I have been the bankruptcy route and also the loss of a marriage route.
Both are very tough.
I wish you the best.

Elizabeth said...

So sorry to hear of this. Your words are brave and authentic, and I'm glad that you have a place to unleash them. I wish you and your family the best. My father always says, "corragio molto fortuna" which roughly translated, means "courage and much strength."

Anonymous said...

Benny. (((hug)))


cmhl.

Anonymous said...

Benny,
Anything worth having is worth fighting for! Try the Dave Ramsey plan before the bankruptcy one. Bankruptcy follows you for years.
Praying for you and your family.

flutter said...

well, shit.

I will say this. I don't think you guys are loveless. It may feel that way when the weight of the world is on your shoulders...but I have heard you speak of her. You love her.

handle the money first. See if it eases the stress.

then check your email, you have a message.

Anonymous said...

Been there, married for thirty-five years and mother to special needs child. Most times it seems overwhelming and just not fair how some people have such few challenges but I believe 'this too shall pass" Hang in there...

kimmyk said...

well, i haven't walked in your shoes, but i've felt those emotions more than once or twice in my life and this is what i know...

no relationship is without cracks-and those lil' cracks give every relationship character.

it's hard to find those urges of sex when there are so many other emotionally draining things happening in your/our lives, but sometimes you gotta just reach deep down and find just that glimmer of something to rekindle that spark. i would never point the finger at you or joan-it's a 50/50 relationship. i am sorry though that you feel this way-and i'm sure she shares these same emotions at times.

please know if i could help i would...all i can do is tell you i am here as i always have been and i will continue to be here.

i've known a few people who in the past year have filed bankruptcy and their lives seem to be a lot better-less stress and worry and their relationship was a lot like yours and joans-strained beyond what they thought was repairable...i'm happy to report they're in a loving relationship again. that will be my wish for you...once the debt is removed and that boulder is lifted you BOTH will be able to concentrate on the important issues at hand-family.

Love you...and big warm hugs my friend.

gwendomama said...

I hear you in a big way. We are living a similar fear of failure - so much more to lose it seems. We made it THIS far, right? already beat the odds.

I am sorry. I will hope the best of outcomes for all of you. whatever that may be.

maggie, dammit said...

I'm sorry, Bennie.

I recently ended one of my posts with a Louie L'amour quote and I hope you don't mind me sharing it here, unsolicited. I'm traveling so I'm paraphrasing here:

"There will come a time when you think all is lost. That will be the beginning."

Something like that.

Hugs to you.

Guwi said...

I stop by here periodically and am always amazed at the strength and positive attitude you exhibit with the challenges you face in your life. I just wanted to de-lurk to tell you that I feel for you, and I truly hope things improve for you and your family. Sometimes it helps to vent, and it seems like you've encountered some willing ears (and eyes) to vent to.

My best to you, most sincerely.

Mama Deb said...

I am way behind on my blog reading, so this comment is late coming. I am truly sorry for all that you and Joan have been going through, and can certainly empathize with a lot of it. Wishing you all many blessings. Best of luck at the art show this weekend.

Anonymous said...

I don't even know how I stumbled upon your blog and the only portion I read was about the difficulty in your marriage and finances. I can say I'm right there with you. My husband left me in December because we just couldn't get along and nothing was working to help our relationship. Eight days later my husband had to have surgery to save his life and he didn't have insurance (oh yea, he worked at the hospital FULL TIME!). 6 weeks off work WITH NO PAY, tons of medical bills piling up on us daily. Obviously, he came home following surgery and we kept hoping things would improve. Now 6 months later, we can barely stand to be in the same room, we have ZERO money to pay our bills, we are in the process of filing bankruptcy, and our marriage may not make it. How can so many things go wrong at once? I wish for peace (whatever that may be) for you and your spouse.