Saturday, December 15, 2007

Cold Rainy Days, A Bottle of Wine, and a Site Meter

I knew it. We Southerners would be paying for the Spring-like weather we've enjoyed the first two weeks of December. Add in the mild November and we now have the typical recipe for cold rain over the next few weeks.

We can't complain too much since the Southeast is in desperate need of water. Not ice but water. Sorry Midwesterners. Enjoy your white Christmas by staying off the roads and shopping while all those after Christmas sales are taking place.

So being trapped inside all day I decided to check the old site meter. In all honesty I’m a bit disappointed with the results over the past few weeks. Evidently the sickos have gotten into the holiday spirit and camouflaged their sicko searches with stuff like “Ben & Bennie Waddell” or “Pallister Killian Syndrome” and even “father and son artwork.” That’s nothing like the usual collection of assorted interesting sick entries typed into Google like “naked man to man combat” or “furnace go good in butt crack” or “smell this - do you think it’s infected.”

But the month brought about a few nice hits that I’m willing to share with you now. Be not disappointed and be sure I'll be paying closer attention to those searches over the next two months.

  • “find inflatable Santa in convertible Canadian stores” – I really don’t know what to make of this one. Do Canadians have convertible stores? Perhaps the store roofs retract during the summer month (get it…month) and folks that eat back bacon shop under the sunlight those four weeks? Or are we talking automobile? I honestly thought the weather really sucked up there and convertibles were like scarce. Or is this something sexual like as an inflatable Santa complete with special toy sack? It’ll be scary indeed if I find out that Santa is convertible and goes both ways.
  • “Cracker Barrel restaurant Thanksgiving 2007 Greensboro, NC” – Sorry I missed y’all. Instead you would’ve found me at the Waffle House where the floor-plans are all the same and the folks behind the counter make me wonder why I actually ordered food. Set-up went rather long that day and given the three-hour drive I just couldn’t make it. Please know that I had PLENTY of turkey. It was called the Christmas Craftsman Classic.
  • “shaved cat don’t recognize” – Sorry kitty. You are now cold, ugly, and nobody wants you. Why did my first wife just come to mind?
  • “redneck martini” - My buddy Freebird (no that's not his real name - his real name is Cletus) swears by his recipe. Find you some homemade liquor (some call it moonshine around these here parts), fill the jar with blackberries, a quarter cup of sugar, and let sit for 6 months to a year. Serve over ice when "ripe." I have a cheaper version that works just as well. Go to your garage and find a shovel. Hand said garden implement to a friend or spouse. Put a hand-full of blackberries in your mouth. Have friend or spouse smack you in the back of the head with said garden implement. You'll have the same effect but less of a hangover.
  • "Redneck Dildo Fish" - This an interesting game fish found only in the South. A special lure is involved called The Wedding Tackle. Generally speaking this fish is caught when The Wedding Tackle doesn't quite do the trick. I've never caught one myself butt very few males "mount these." This is a very popular fish caught usually while husbands are on a fishing or hunting trip with their buddies. Said male spouse returns home to a smiling female spouse and wonders why she laughs when he tells her that the big one got away.
My glass is half-empty now and I'd like to think of it as all the way full so if you'll excuse me I'll be headed to the kitchen now. I'm just wondering why Joan is in such a good mood tonight after I told her that I'm camping with the boys New Years weekend...


kimmyk said...

you have the wierdest googler's i have ever heard of!

how those chicks at the waffle house remember and call orders amazes me!
i damn near spit on the martini-omg you crack me up.

you have such a twisted sense of humor.

yeah good luck with that whole joan thing....errrr.....????

The Curmudgeon said...

According to my Sitemeter, the weirdos that visit me aren't nearly as creative....