Thursday, August 16, 2007

Road Rage!

Now don't worry. I'm not one of the hundreds of idiots out there driving who take aggressive driving to a video gaming level. I'm one of those that semi-quietly stew while I spew a few choice words at the folks who unfortunately can pass a vision test but would completely fail the "I am a Moron" quiz.

Since I put over twenty thousand miles on America's highways and byways last year I feel somewhat qualified to comment on our country's driving population. It ain't pretty. Neither is it patient or kind. In fact I find it very sad how many people with a "Jesus is my co-pilot" bumper sticker who'd just as easily flip you off as they would shove a Bible in your tailpipe (and I'm not talking about the car's exhaust system).

And if you guessed the Terminator wannabes are mostly relegated to the Interstates you'd be wrong. Monday morning will be the first day of school here in Greenville County and I dread the thought of pulling out of our driveway at 7:45AM. We only live a 1/4 mile from Jessie's school but that caffeine-drunk line of carpoolers would rather risk the life and limbs of their children rather than letting one more car in front of them.

Over the past three years I've tried to decide which form of driver-needing-a-lobotomy I despise most. Here's just a short list of infractions that were I an undercover highway patrolman the offensive jerk behind the wheel would be picking up liter along the shoulders of the I-26 & I-20 intersections of Columbia, South Carolina every August until they die...or melt...whichever comes first.

  • "I must protect this lane!" I have out-of-state plates. That should let you know, Mr. Penis-for-a-Brain, I have no idea where I am. I need to get in that lane because I just realized that is my exit. Of course you're ignoring my turn signal and enjoying the fact that I'm now backing up 2 miles of traffic behind my camper. Oh yeah, I'm also certain you noticed my arms desperately waving at you as I pulled along side your driver's side window. Oh! Never heard a car horn before? Roll down the window and check out the 200+ blowing behind me. That ain't gas from eating at Taco Bell for lunch.
  • "Maybe if I get closer to his bumper he'll know I need to get by." Ah, one of my favorites particularly in traffic. You and ten thousand more need to get by so they can arrive home 30 seconds faster than you will at the moment. Hmmm...we're in heavy traffic. Make that 30 minutes since I'm now traveling the same MPH as the guy next to me. I swear I'm gonna get to see someone's head pop off their shoulders through my rear-view mirror one of these days.
  • "Let me cut in front of this joker pulling a camper; I'm sure he can stop on a dime." I have to say this is the most frightening thing to happen when you're towing 3500 extra pounds. I'd admire the truck-driver's ability to put the fear of God into the BMW fool who does that in front of a 5-axle semi. Me? I end up needing an extra dose of antiperspirant and an underwear change.
So tell me blog friends? What do you hate most about driving or more specifically other drivers? And like that sergeant said on Hill Street Blues, "Let's be careful out there."

Addendum: The thought dawned on me that one of you nut jobs that I've met on the road might weigh in with their much less than two cents. Please have at it! I won't censor you unless you use really, really foul language. Not that I'm offended by it but I'm afraid I might not understand it because you folks are very creative. Plus I'll get the last laugh. You're probably gonna die from a heart-attack or a stroke long before I start making reservations for the Pearly Gates (I hope).


Nurse Lisa said...

I HATE HATE HATE the wonderful people that wait until the very last mili-second to use their turn signal as they slam on their brakes and turn into their driveway. Did they really forget that's where they live?????? This is especially bad since I'm the one you are describing in the bumper section ;)

Anonymous said...

my favorite: the lil' ole granny and grampa that decide that right during rush hour would be a wonderful time for a little cruise around the country - of course, the best road for that will invariably be the one that carries the people in a hurry. And of course, the speed they are going at rivals that of a slug on a hot SC afternoon. Then, just when you finally reach that stretch of road where you could pass the car safely, granny decides to try out the hp of her white cadillac and speeds up, just until that passing zone ends, then hits the breaks to enjoy some more of that lovely scenery dripping past at 25 mph.