Uncomfortably Numb

Once again I appreciate the phone calls, e-mails, messages, and comments. I had a really nice chat yesterday morning with my artist friend Christy who asked a pretty good question: are things better or just in a holding pattern? Maybe a it is a little bit of both.

Joan and I are obviously going to do our best to keep the marriage in tact. We may no longer be the lovers we once were but we'll always remain best friends. Even if we could afford a divorce I don't know if we could go through with it knowing what it would do to Jessie, much less knowing there would be stretches of time away from our children. That is what brought us back together after we separated a few years back.

Of course our financial situation remains the same. I have one last insurance policy left which has a cash value (thankfully). We plan to cash that in as soon as we get the paperwork and that, my friends, should get us through the month. Don't expect me to do any sky-diving or dirt bike racing until we can set up a term life policy to replace the old one.

Also pardon me for not writing in my usual jovial manner. I am tired. Stress does a number on our bodies not only emotionally but physically too. It is so very difficult to get out of bed in the mornings but I make myself do it. I can't imagine how bad it is for Joan knowing the pressure she faces this week as she catches up from a week away from work. Maybe I am still in love? It is certain that I'd exchange my place in life for hers knowing that she would probably be happier.

I guess the biggest thing that I figured out since my "meltdown post" last week was how few of you knew how difficult life had become for us. My first instinct was to apologize for the outburst but I'm honestly left wondering how did so many of you not know? Maybe I've sugar-coated our situation with humor and Ben's huge smiles I post. Maybe I should have pulled the curtain aside just a little more to expose the reality we're facing - the reality that so many other exceptional families is dealing with.

My problem with blogging about this incredible burden is that I don't want you folks to think I'm whining. Certainly everyone has their own share of difficulties and blogging about them really helps at times, whether it's just to unload in a safe place or actually getting help or answers. But there comes a point where writing about one's problems becomes something of a "pity party." In all honesty I wouldn't want to keep visiting a sympathy sanctuary.

The bottom line in all this boils down to pride. This is the most humiliating experience Joan or I have ever dealt with and that includes two previous cheating spouses. We need help yet we don't really know how or even where to ask for it. We need answers yet none are forthcoming. And honestly we need each others support yet we both are absolutely drained.

Over the next few days between painting and chores, I'll be adding more items to our store. If you need a graduation gift consider one of our tote bags. I even have some duffle bags that would serve as laundry totes for those headed to college. I can even paint school colors on them. Anything that you might have for me to paint on I would be more than happy to price it for you. Just e-mail me at benwaddell@bellsouth.net. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to upload some video of Ben from the beach last week. Despite the turmoil surrounding us at the moment our son continues to laugh and smile. You know, being Ben really isn't so bad.