Thursday, April 10, 2008

Giving Up (at least for awhile)

This will probably be the last post for a few weeks. I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, but more important emotionally. I also apologize for the "stream of conscience" thoughts you are about to read but trying to piece together intelligence amidst insanity has become quite difficult.

Yes, I hit the wall tonight. I spent the late afternoon and early evening with Ben. My heart is breaking. I guess the positive vibes, the cheer leading, the good times are now rolling have come to an end. I cannot do it any longer.

Ben has challenges that I cannot resolve. Some things are getting better but the overall picture continues to get worse. Our communications are getting worse. He continues to get bigger but he's becoming more debilitated. I feel like a failure. Not just as a parent but as a person. There are moments that I wish either Ben or I had never been born. That is how much it hurts.

I know of so many parents that complain about something their kids are doing at the moment. I just wish Ben could do just one of those irritating things. I want him to be happy. I honestly don't know if that is the case. I want to be happy. I know that is not the case.

I cry a lot now. We are broke. Broke as in no money but also broke as in "broken" as a family. No one wants to get up in the morning and that includes Jessie.

Just for the record, there are so many frivolous blogs out there that are read hundreds of times a day. The daily comments exceed the number of readers that visit here a day. Something is wrong with that. Kyla, Katie, Lisa, and Gretchen...I'll be checking in on you gals. I think each of you know how hard it can be and I'm a helluva lot older than y'all. I'm just very sad these days and I don't know how to make it stop.


Nurse Betty L. Boop said...

I'm sorry Bennie!!! (((Hugs))) I hope you don't stay gone from Blogland for long because yours is the first site that I go to when I turn on the computer.

I hope that a great party this weekend will cheer you all up...I know that I'm looking forward to it *yay!!!!

Anonymous said...

I check your blog everday, but I'm not sure if I have ever left a comment. Your blog has been enlightening and inspirational to say the least (You're on my favorites list). The artwork that you and Ben have created is beautiful. I hope you choose to continue writing your story as I will continue to check on you.

Jessie in WA

Anonymous said...

I just recently came across your blog and want to send love and hope your way. Your artwork is beautiful. I hope you decide to continue updating this. The stories of you and your family will be missed :)

Mete said...

Hi there - Just wanted to lend a few words of support. I do read, but life since #3 has been so much busier than I planned. I can only offer eyes on the screen in another state, but a knowledge that it isn't fair, and it isn't easy. The pain comes in like the tide. It recedes sometimes, but it always seems to come back, sometimes harder than before.

I wish you all well, and hope things look brighter for you soon.

kimmyk said...

aww man.
i'm sorry to hear you're in a bad place right now. i hope that something shifts in your world and life gets better.

i wish there was a way to help...i'll be thinking about you all...and sending prayers and good healing vibes your way.


Kyla said...

Hang in there Bennie. You guys will be in our prayers.

Karen said...

I'm so sorry, Bennie. I'll be thinking of you guys and praying for all of you. Hope you come back soon. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Hi Bennie,

life never is fair - that is the sad part about it...and it usually seems even more unfair that great people get more than their share of unfair. On the other hand, having that kind of huge load to deal with sharpens your vision for smaller things to appreciate - and for that you are lucky and blessed, because many of us take small things like an irritating thing our kids do for granted and we overlook how blessed we are sometimes, which in my opinion is even sadder than what you are going through, in the big scope of things.
Being sad is not fun - but it does show that you are very much human and can still feel with your heart, which is something that is becoming quite a rarity these days. Please,please, don't ever loose that - and don't forget to smile when you do have an occasion to. It makes a difference for those around you - especially your family.
I pray for good things, good feelings, good people and good times to come your way immediately. Hang in there, dear friend and occasionally do what the sheep would do - just hang out during the storm, wait for the sun to dry you, and then get back to munching grass like there's no tomorrow...
Drop me a line when you feel like ranting - or cackling - or just being angry...give all of the family (including Blaze - if he isn't shedding too much :) ) a big ole hug from me. Hang in there!

Katie said...

"..but trying to piece together intelligence amidst insanity has become quite difficult."

All the more reason you have to keep pushing my friend. You know full well just how "broken" my own family is and still, here we are.

Never a failure Bennie until you give up---so yell here, scream here, cry here and every single one of us who reads will share the emotions, I promise.

Unknown said...

You are not a failure!!!

You have accomplished more in your life than most. The strength you show in the challenges life has given you is inspirational. I look at my current situation and realize that there are others like yourself who have had to endure much worse for much longer.

Go and focus on what's most important, your family. We'll all be here waiting to hear more great stories about you & Ben.

God bless.

Anonymous said...

Hey Bennie,
Just wanted you to know that you and yours are in our thoughts and prayers. Your site is one of the few that I visit almost every day. We really do appreciate you sharing your family with us.

africakidandtheworld said...

I found your blog today via cmhl. Hope you feel better soon. Life isn't easy, is it? You sound like a caring dad and husband. That's worth more than most things in this world. May you have strength to make it through this difficult time.

Lissa Lane said...

I'm so so sorry. I too know what it feels like to be a failure as a person and a parent and I know the feeling of being broken all too much.

There is nothing wrong with what you are feeling. I'm so sorry that your family is broken also.

*hugs* I am praying for you guys and you take your break as long as you need

god bless

Anonymous said...

Sending you some strength.

I hope you can find a way to get a break.

Whit said...

I just found your blog today.

I'll be looking forward to your return.


Gretchen said...

Bennie--beautiful comments above from friends and fans. Take the time you need, but as Katie said, use us and this blog as your psychiatric couch. We know, we understand and we wanna help.

This weekend I didn't see a broken family, I saw one FULL of love and goodness and patience.

I know this sucks, but I know it doesn't suck all the time, right? Hang on for those good times. I wish I had read this on Saturday so my hugs could've been a little tighter.