Stream Of Conscience

Weary is no longer the word. Perhaps functioning at a sub-conscience level? Going through the motions? I prefer the title of tonight's entry. My mind and body seems to be drifting along with the clouds that clog my creativity at the moment. Things seem foggy for the most part particularly when Joan made me realize I didn't have the weekend off and I would be headed to Savannah on Friday for my final show of the year.

That occurred Monday morning when I was cuddling Ben and letting him know his Dad would be in town for more than a few days. Alas, no turning back. No wasting of a booth fee. There's no way of closing a door on a promoter that has already guaranteed a great spot for nine potential sales weekends next year where I've had success.

I worked the gallery this morning and it made me realize how important traveling has become to my young art career. Unfortunately I'm not that young anymore and my body is responding the way I should expect. All I want to do is sleep. Not just a 8 hour night but for a couple of days. In the past 24 hours I've referred to individuals in e-mails and on the phone as somebody else (Hey, Gretchen! I knew it was you!).

To be honest part of me is looking forward to this weekend. The folks in Savannah have treated me very well so far and via a few phone calls the past few days there is no doubt that I am a welcome vendor come 2008. I just wish I could talk my feet, knees, hips, and brain into wrapping around that part.

Joan so very much wanted to join me this weekend as a couple getaway. Getting Jessie a place to stay and be taken care of would be no big deal. Having someone care for Ben was impossible. Taking Ben to a place four hours away and maintaining his health is a more difficult chore than keeping him home. Hence I will be by myself once again.

This is the hardest part of our lives as special needs parents. It has been over eleven years since Joan and I have had any break from the chains that bind us. This is the best example I can offer that makes it so hard for couples to survive parenting an exceptional child.

The two of us separated back in the Spring of 2004 but neither of us were able to figure out a way to make sure Ben would receive the best care needed to make his life the best it could be. It forced us to reconsider our marriage vows and change some selfish behaviors (that would be my part) to make things bearable. Three and a half years later we are just as tired, just as weary, and just in need of time alone as a couple.

And so here we are, floundering about and waiting for a moment when we can be a couple once again. Do we trade our situation for a life without Ben? I'm not sorry to say that I cannot fathom of life without my two children. I'd rather move on to the next life to see what it offers. Do friends and family need to step in and finally do the right thing? That is the question that from my bitter side wants an answer. Where are you?