Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Stream Of Conscience

Weary is no longer the word. Perhaps functioning at a sub-conscience level? Going through the motions? I prefer the title of tonight's entry. My mind and body seems to be drifting along with the clouds that clog my creativity at the moment. Things seem foggy for the most part particularly when Joan made me realize I didn't have the weekend off and I would be headed to Savannah on Friday for my final show of the year.

That occurred Monday morning when I was cuddling Ben and letting him know his Dad would be in town for more than a few days. Alas, no turning back. No wasting of a booth fee. There's no way of closing a door on a promoter that has already guaranteed a great spot for nine potential sales weekends next year where I've had success.

I worked the gallery this morning and it made me realize how important traveling has become to my young art career. Unfortunately I'm not that young anymore and my body is responding the way I should expect. All I want to do is sleep. Not just a 8 hour night but for a couple of days. In the past 24 hours I've referred to individuals in e-mails and on the phone as somebody else (Hey, Gretchen! I knew it was you!).

To be honest part of me is looking forward to this weekend. The folks in Savannah have treated me very well so far and via a few phone calls the past few days there is no doubt that I am a welcome vendor come 2008. I just wish I could talk my feet, knees, hips, and brain into wrapping around that part.

Joan so very much wanted to join me this weekend as a couple getaway. Getting Jessie a place to stay and be taken care of would be no big deal. Having someone care for Ben was impossible. Taking Ben to a place four hours away and maintaining his health is a more difficult chore than keeping him home. Hence I will be by myself once again.

This is the hardest part of our lives as special needs parents. It has been over eleven years since Joan and I have had any break from the chains that bind us. This is the best example I can offer that makes it so hard for couples to survive parenting an exceptional child.

The two of us separated back in the Spring of 2004 but neither of us were able to figure out a way to make sure Ben would receive the best care needed to make his life the best it could be. It forced us to reconsider our marriage vows and change some selfish behaviors (that would be my part) to make things bearable. Three and a half years later we are just as tired, just as weary, and just in need of time alone as a couple.

And so here we are, floundering about and waiting for a moment when we can be a couple once again. Do we trade our situation for a life without Ben? I'm not sorry to say that I cannot fathom of life without my two children. I'd rather move on to the next life to see what it offers. Do friends and family need to step in and finally do the right thing? That is the question that from my bitter side wants an answer. Where are you?


kimmyk said...

Maybe you just need to say the words to those around you....your family ya know? I'm sorry you're 'tired'. Feeling that way just drains a person. I've been there.

I hope you can figure something out.

Creative-Type Dad said...

I'm a firm believer in the couple needs to recharge once in awhile.

Life is draining

Another Chance to Get It Right said...

Hi--this is perhaps very random, but I happened upon your site, and I was excited to see that you are a fellow South Carolinian.

I'm originally from Laurens, though I now attend medical school in Charleston. I will be home over the Christmas break, and I just wanted to offer myself up as a babysitter. [no charge, of course!] I know that it's hard when you don't have any time to spend as a couple, so if you want to go to dinner or go Christmas shopping, and you need someone to take care of Ben and Jessie, please let me know. [again, I know that this is random, but I felt so touched by your entries] Please just drop a comment in my blog, or email me at if you think I can be of any service to your family.

Thank you,

Karen said...

It is hard, isn't it, not to have time as a couple. So far I think that's been the most difficult thing for us about having a child with special needs. My parents went through the same thing with my sister who also has developmental disabilities. While relatives never thought twice about dropping off THEIR kids at our house, no one ever offered to reciprocate.