Epiphany

My friend Bootie (yes, that is his real name - it's a nickname but even his parents call him that) asked me a question a little while ago. Bootie is a musician and singer who occasionally still plays some live performances. He said he gets nervous getting in front of a couple of hundred people, what was it like knowing the whole frappin' world was watching you? Good question.

Here's my response verbatim (including typos). Needless to say I've been weeping ever since.

Bootie, that was one of the strangest experiences I probably will ever have. For most of yesterday even on Thursday I was on the edge of throwing up and I'm surprised I didn't. There were moments I couldn't stop shaking. That finally stopped yesterday when they told me Ben would be with me.

Honestly I was praying they'd let Ben be next to me. I knew if he was there I'd be alright. I have to say that everyone involved prepared me so very well. In hindsight it was quite rehearsed.

I had make sure I looked directly at the lens; the microphone box was stuck between the back of the chair and my butt which was very uncomfortable; the volume knob for the ear-piece was just below my left elbow; I worried Ben would start drooling; just before we went live (during the commercial break) Ben dropped his head toward me and I kept pushing it back then he started fighting with me; I was in my own den, etc. All that crap was racing through my brain.

The best advice I got was from Dave, the camera man. He heard Jessie ask me how many people would be watching and before I could say anything he looked at me and said, "Two - me and her." He was pointing to Terri, the sound lady.

Honest to God, I don't know how I got through it. When they positioned Ben next to me I looked at him smiling at me and thought about all the shit he's been through and I remember thinking, "I can do this."