Chillin'

For the record this is day number 32 of my latest attempt at sobriety. I will happily and gratefully admit that the first 30 days were much easier than I expected. Day 31? Not so much but I will get to that momentarily.

Because of the original theme of this blog I have been reluctant to write about my progress toward sobriety. After all this is essentially Ben's blog, chronicling his life's adventures and his interaction with the rest of the world. In that regards I can proudly say that our boy is truly thriving these days! At times in recent weeks it has been emotionally overwhelming given his good health, physical growth (think "weed"), and increased cognitive development. It seems that everyone involved with his care and support have taken notice of just how far Ben has advanced beyond those early limited expectations some folks predicted. For this we are quite thankful!

But as a friend pointed out that from the beginning I have always written quite honestly about the entire truthful representation of raising a child with special needs including the good, the bad, and the ugly. If I were to leave out how I've tried for so long to medicate my depression via alcohol then I would neglect a good portion of our family's story the last 11 years (perhaps even longer). And it seems I have quite a bit to write about since depression and anxiety run so rampant among parents of exceptional kids. How do we deal with it in a healthy way? I have no idea at the moment but I intend to find out.

Overall I am rather pleased with where I am along this 12-step journey. This to me is obviously a good omen as I reflect upon where I was at this point on two previous occasions. Attempt #1 may have lasted about 3 weeks way back in the spring of 2004 - long before I started this blog.  Honestly I really don't recall much about it other than Joan and I were separated at the time. I do remember going to my first AA meetings and thinking "what the hell am I doing hanging around these bunch of drunks?" Evidently I also read some of the Big Book because I discovered some highlighted passages after I dusted off my copy last winter during Attempt #2.

That one lasted exactly 70 days. I know because I kept count...a close count.  Knowing what I do now it was doomed to fail but in all honesty that was really the beginning of my sobriety. I slyly mentioned last year how I went to New Orleans and quit drinking, wondering comically how often that happens? In my heart I still believe that. It's just that it took nearly another year before I was absolutely convinced that my life had become completely unmanageable.

As I mentioned, things have been drastically different this time and there is a good reason for that - I have completely embraced the proven 12-step method of Alcoholics Anonymous. Praying to my Higher Power as I understand it has been a daily ritual, sometimes hourly. Attending meetings with those other "drunks" has been enlightening, educational, and even enjoyable! And of course the Big Book is never far from my hands. Like I said, it has almost been easy...until Day #31. So what happened yesterday that made me seriously consider heading off to the grocery store for a bottle wine?

Basically I didn't practice what I just preached. The day began with a unexpected doctor's visit for Jessie and before it was over we had discovered our downstairs heat pump to be completely shot....in the middle of winter...no heat within the area of the house Ben spends all of his time. In between there were no prayers, no quiet times, no reading - there was just me doing what I used to do a month ago: attempting to deal with and manipulate the outcome of events I had no control over. Thankfully my "new me" was smart enough to find an AA meeting ASAP and the attendance was well worth it. Yeah, there is a bit of a chill in the house but somehow we are managing with the help of a few electric heaters and a rediscovered Higher Power. And it doesn't hurt that I collected this for the effort...

The Courage to Change

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

It still makes me cringe just a bit in using the term "courage" in reference to my recovery from alcoholism. In general I reserve that word to define an individual wearing a uniform that signifies their commitment to protect and serve others - a military service person, a fireman, a law enforcement officer - those folks that lay their lives on the line when they punch the clock. Of course I don't have to look too far, across the room at this moment, to see a young man who I consider to be the bravest, most courageous person I've ever known. Instead the word I might be more comfortable with is perhaps determination...or tenacity...or resolved.

I'm halfway to getting my second chip: aluminum which signifies 30 days sober. Even though I made it 70 days last spring I never picked up that symbolic memento - mainly due to the fact that I had quit attending meetings  by then. And that my friends defines an alcoholic in a nutshell. Unconvinced I really had a drinking problem (man, you should've heard some of the stories those drunks told!), I decided that whatever issues I needed to deal with I could do it myself. Notice all of the "I"s? So on day #71 a beer seemed to be a deserved reward for all that sober introspection over the previous two & a half months.

This is my third attempt at Alcoholics Anonymous but this is the first time I've quit drinking for myself. That may seem like a selfish comment but if you could see the big picture you'd know that my decision to work the 12 Steps as laid out in the Big Book of AA is one the smartest that I've not only made for my family but for myself as well. It has only been 15 days but I am already seeing and feeling the positive changes in my life. And this time I am not afraid to blog about it.

Recall that last winter I made this entry. Yeah, it was a somewhat brave thing to write in those early stages of "sobriety." The funny thing is that I recall cringing within a few days of posting it because I wasn't really certain I was an alcoholic even though so many unhealthy incidents, issues, and relationships indicated otherwise. And even though I failed to achieve sobriety last spring the seed was planted at that time due to the encouragement of both my brothers (Cameron & Blair, I am so thankful for you guys).

There is no doubt that I am very fortunate to be where I am at this stage of my life. I still have my family, my home, and my health. In the past few weeks I have met some folks who have lost all to their addiction. And I am most thankful that at the age of 48, it's not too late to change.

Artwork in a Bottle

Over the holidays I was able to finally experiment with an idea that has been sitting on the creative back burner for quite some time now. Despite all of the clutter in my brain that I've been sorting through in recent days I am happy to report that more dust came off of these old wine bottles stored in our garage than the decorative idea that eventually got them into the studio.

I cannot say that this creation is entirely original. Most likely many of you have seen something similar in the past particularly if you've ever ventured into a cheesy craft show. There are plenty of bottle art projects and their knock-offs found in craft books and even on line these days. what makes mine (ours) different is my ability to paint on them.

The ultimate plan is to refrain from hot-gluing plastic or silk flowers to them and avoid the cheesy country craft look. Instead I anticipate using my folk and fine art influences to make something rather unique - a piece of art worthy of collecting. The goal is to employ the same whimsical, fun, colorful, expressive style of my paintings within the design of these Light Shine Soul Bottles...or rather...Soul Shine Light Bottles...or um...Soul Light Shine Bottles? Whatever. I think you get the picture!

The cool thing (as you will see) is that I'm getting a bit of help in the design of these Bottled Lights! Jessie and Ben have already been a terrific source of subject ideas; both have also gotten hands on experience working on them as well. Hopefully I will be able to carry a few with me each week once I begin the show season in March.

In the mean time please feel free to e-mail me if you have a particular design in mind. Keep in mind that I can do college teams as well as my typical fare of palm trees, cocktails, snow men, sky or landscapes, etc. E-mail me at benwaddell@bellsouth.net for pricing and orders.

Finished Palm Tree theme without the bow around the neck. Note the found objects attached to the cork (flip flops and sunglasses). I used a Barefoot wine bottle and kept the foot logo visible on the cork.

View of the lit bottle with all the room lights off.

Close-up of the decorated cork.

A not-so-frosty Snow Man adorns the front of this bottle. I used white lights for the interior of this one also (I forgot to get a "lit" picture before selling this guy).

A discarded earring made a nice addition to the cork. Several strands of different colored raffia along with a hemp wrap seemed like a fitting top piece to the neck.

I also used a strand of silver coated string to tie the "Dream" medallion to the bottle.

Here I help Ben start the painting process for one of his designs.

It didn't take him long to get the hang of it!

Jessie strings a set of lights into a bottle she helped design.

This is the finished bottle Jessie and I worked on together. We used the decor elements of her room to design the bottle. She has a variety of blues and lime greens in circular patterns throughout her window treatment and bedspread...

...so we added blue lights to her bottle! It really looks cool and serves as a subtle night light. If you are interested in having one of these based on the decor of an interior room then send me some pics and I'll get to work on it!