Silent Night
or at Least Turn the Volume Down!

It's been awhile since I've done a "top ten" list and in reality this is more like a "bottom ten" list. I think. Before I confuse myself more than I do on an ordinary basis let me get to the point.

After three straight weekends of listening to non-stop holiday music to wrap up my show season and another seven days of recuperation, I can finally manage to tune the van radio to one of those stations that's been playing Christmas carols since July 4th.

Before you label me a Grinch or a Scrooge I must ask you if you've ever worked in retail before? If you have you know what I'm talking about. After 8 to 12 hours on your feet dealing with Christmas shoppers the last thing you want to hear after you close the door to your abode, pour yourself an eggnog, and switch on some soothing sounds is one of the following reminders of fingernails scratching a chalkboard.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The Bottom Ten Worst Christmas Songs Ever.

10. “Ave Maria” performed by Barbara Striesand. If we were talking most annoying then Babs’ version of “Jingle Bells” is the clear winner. If you’ve ever heard it you’d agree with my assumption that she got hopped up beforehand on a pot of coffee, followed by a cup of sugar, and two or three ounces of coke and then had cattle prod performing a colonoscopy while she recorded the song. Instead we’re talking “worst” and for some reason I just can’t get over that whole Jewish lady doing a Catholic song thing. It’s like me doing a Briss on Ben. I have no business doing it and the recipient ends up in a whole lot of pain.

9. “Wonderful Christmas Time” by Paul McCartney & Wings. If we only had to endure it just once each holiday season I could live with it. Instead it’s always the first Christmas song every radio station plays. We the listeners are then pummeled with one play of it every fifteen minutes from Halloween all the way into February. Programmers are simply having a psychotic Christmas time. By the way the song proves McCartney can fart and burp into a microphone and make a million dollars off of it. In fact what do think those first two sounds of the song are? A synthesizer?

8. “Silent Night” performed by Winger. I was there during the 1980s big hair band explosion and this was an even bigger embarrassment than any of Kip Winger’s original songs. What really makes this a noel bottom feeder is the video complete with spray-stenciled first names on the Santa hats. Just a word of advice: don’t watch this if you’ve recently eaten.




7. “All I Want for Christmas (Is You)” performed by Mariah Carey. Ever wondered what giving a kitten a coffee enema would sound like? All I want for Christmas is for the warbling diva of please-don’t-make-that-sound-again to be placed on The Island of Misfit Former Teenage Idols alongside Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Madonna, and Michael Jackson.

6. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” performed by Jackson 5. Speaking of His Highness of the Kingdom of Naked G.I. Joes, I’m wondering if this incident had anything to do with little Mike having a thing for taking baths with pre-pubertized pubescents. Seeing someone kissing Mrs. Jackson other than Mr. Jackson would certainly traumatize the kid but to the point of risking your career, reputation, and all of those millions of dollars? No, I’m guessing Michael saw something far worse. It wasn’t Santa kissing mommy. It was Tito!

5. “Dominick the Donkey” by Lou Monte. I’ll be honest and say that I’d never even heard of this song until The Curmudgeon mentioned it on his blog last Christmas. This past weekend I had the unfortunate experience of actually hearing about one of Santa's little known helpers, the Italian donkey (as opposed to the Italian Stallion?).

Now I really need to be careful here. There's a good chance Jimmy Hoffa knew about Dominick. What if Hoffa disrespected the Christmas ass? Word reached all the way to some guy that looks a lot uglier than Marlon Brando. Next thing you know Jimmy has a coin flipped above his head on autumn Sundays when the Giants or the Jets play at home. So instead of disparaging the song let’s just say it made The List.

I’m now imagining some Italian mafia-type in Jersey can’t truly experience the Christmas spirit without singing along with “bing-a-ding-a-ding, bing-a-ding-a-ding…hee-haw, hee-haw” every year.

“Hey Guido…there’s some idiot redneck down in Carolina making fun of Dominick!”
“No, boss! I say he’s got it com’n. Let me whack ‘em fo yooz, boss!”
“Yooz already ahead of me, Guido. Here’s the plane ticket. And buys you a new suit or sumtin for Jesus’ boitday. That Dominick, he cracks me up.”

4. “Last Christmas” performed by Wham!. Do you really need an explanation? The song has now been covered by Hillary Duff for cripes sakes.

3. “Do They Know It’s Christmas” performed by Band Aid. You know there’s nothing like visualizing starving children in Africa to get me into the holiday spirit. But that’s just me. And if it weren’t for the appearances of Bono, Boy George, George Michael, Sting, Phil Collins, Paul Young, and members of Duran Duran, Bananarama, Spandua Ballet, and Frankie Goes to Hollywood the song might not be so bad.

2.“Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” by Elmo & Patsy. This could very easily fit into the number one slot but there is actually one other song that makes me want to claw my eardrums out of my head more than this one. There’s nothing worse than being at a pub where some drunk jackass thinks this needs to be played on the jukebox no less than 25 times. My guess is that he thought with each time it played it’d grow on us. It grew on us all right. Like a hemorrhoid the size of a grapefruit it grew on us. The guy finally got his ass kicked. When the cops showed up they arrested him…for disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace. True story.

1. “The Christmas Shoes” by Newsong. Now before any of you nice Christian folk start preaching to me let me say that I’m a Christian as well. I follow (or at least try to most of the time) the Golden Rule, which really is one of The Ten Commandments: Love your neighbor as you’d love someone of your own family. Well first off I have some family members I don’t want the neighbors to know about and secondly, I wouldn’t even subject my enemies to such a waste of a studio effort. Sorry your mom’s dead, kid but I’m not going to squander my money on a pair of shoes that she ain’t taking with her to meet Jesus. If that idiot from Newsong wants to do so then by all means go for it. JUST SHUT UP ABOUT IT AND DON’T MAKE THE REST OF US SUFFER THROUGH ANOTHER 4 MINUTES AND 55 SECONDS OF PAIN.