Lost

I'm sure that as you read the first few paragraphs of this entry you'll get the impression that I'm chewing on some sour grapes. Honestly that is not the case. However I might be sipping some fermented grapes as my thoughts "bleed out' into the Blogosphere this evening. Our family is still somewhat elevated among the clouds, a high only equaled by something John Denver-esque. But I digress.

Today's title should conjure up some images of that popular Wednesday night TV show. I watched the first season on a fairly regular basis but have since lost track of the plot. It's not that I think anything has happened badly mind you, it's that I've lost my interest in watching television in general. Even trying to pay attention to sporting events (the first love of my life according to spouse) has waned. With the Super Bowl upon us I've been giving this middle-aged yawn at the Boob Tube a great deal of thought.

It was quite obvious that our (mine, Joan's, Jessie's) lives were changed when Ben was born. This always occurs whether it's the first born or number seven and counting (Steve, my wonderful frat brother, in the words of the immortal Greg Allman those kids "are gonna make you old before your time."). In the end our lives are no different from yours. We work. We pay bills. We try to budget. We accumulate unnecessary credit card bills because my lovely wife just needs those shoes. We (try) to go to church. We bounce between schools. We live our lives around children now. We, as a family, try make our lives enjoyable as possible.

Our difference comes in the form of machines and accouterments that we have to use to keep Ben healthy and whole. We carry these things with us in every adventure outside of our home. You see we made a decision very early on that Ben would be as much our family journey as Jessie. So when we go to the mall or Wal-Mart or wherever Ben is usually attached to a feeding pump with a suction machine and our "Go Bag" in tow. At least we don't carry the Pulsox/sat monitor with us any longer - the device that screams, beeps, and basically alarms everytime Ben smiles. We all think nothing about it. The rest of the "regular" world sees this and instantly is afraid.

It's no big deal at this point. We are used to the blank stares, the countless inquires by little ones, and the evil glances we get from restaurant patrons as we stick that catheter down Ben's trache because he can't blow his nose. What we've never gotten used to is the sound of silence our phone makes each weekend as friends make plans for the weekend.

I've always been "Party Central." For many years Joan would lecture me about how I was to not call so and so New Years Eve and invite them over to watch bowl games. Fourth of July celebrations around the pool are right out! Just forget about that Labor Day cook-out because this year I am not cleaning the house!

And yet our friends showed up. Joan cleaned house. I ran out to buy food for an army to throw on the grill. Before long we had a house full of family and friends which meant several days of clean-up for yours truly. It was worth it. The memories and the fun had are priceless in my book.

Unfortunately things are quiet these days particularly around events like The Super Bowl. I'd like to think that it's because my friend's have their own lives wrapped around their kids. Perhaps it's my choice of career. Afterall, I watched last year's Super Bowl from a Motel 6 in Bradenton, Florida. I went to bed early and had to learn on the radio the next morning that the Steelers won because I wanted to get home as soon as I could. But the elephant in the den suggests that it's just too difficult to deal with or plan for the baggage my family brings to the feast.

Now as I said there appears to be some sort of lament here. That is entirely not the case. Bennie of seven years ago is much more mature these days regardless of what my wife might say. I barely watched the bowls this year with the exception of a few. And even during those TV hours I was interacting with Ben or Jessie. I'll be honest: that elephant has made our life as a family much richer than winning the lottery.

Yes, there are no doubts that I have team spirit in regards to some sports teams. Mine and Joan's alma mater, Furman University is foremost in our family life. The folks there that love Ben the most have taken an active role in helping him enjoy that environment. Of all the things we do outside of our home I'm certain that tailgating on football Saturdays are some of Ben's favorite times.

Yet all of those other occasions I've mentioned could be a burr in the family saddle. Let me tell you that is not the case. I honestly cherish now those days to party as an opportunity to strengthen our family bonds. I actually welcome them despite the fact it's just the four of us. We are lost on our little island and I can say from the bottom of my heart that I truly like it better than the way it used to be.

Photo by Bennie Waddell - Kiawah Island, South Carolina - January 2006